Living with Dying: A Tale of Terror
How do we cope with death?
So you care about longevity? It is effective altruism? Personal interest? Transhumanism? Maybe a mix of all 3? From my personal experience, there seems to be no single answer. Longevity enthusiasts enter the field through for a variety of reasons, ranging from childhood dreams to mid-career pivots.
However, not everyone can be publicly upfront about their motivations, especially in aging biology, an area still considered unnatural and radical. Who knows, maybe we’re not entirely aware of all our motivations either, but it certainly makes it challenging to find answers to questions such as:
What type of people care about death and the pursuit of longevity?
What is a normal amount of time to be spent thinking about death?
How much of someone’s interest in longevity is by their own volition?
Despite these questions being (literal) matters of life and death, the dialogue isn’t quite as open as I’d like. However, I figured an easier question to answer was:
How do people cope with death?
Disclaimer: The information provided is solely for general interest and should not be viewed as professional advice.
Table of Contents
You, Me, and Death
Why do we Fear Death?
Strategies for Death Anxiety
Luck
Cosmos
Immortality
Acceptance
Alternative Views
M.Y. View
You, Me, and Death
Our modern day relationship with death is complex. On one end, we increasingly experience it in movies and video games, and witness countless tragedies on the news. On the other end, we’ve individualized and objectified the dying process, and made the subject so taboo, that conversations about the dying are dead. Gone are the days of public mournings and dying in one's home.
While there are a lot of publicly available resources and discussion boards on dealing with the loss of a loved one (there is no right way or length to grieve; grieving is not a linear process), it is a lot quieter when it comes to personal mortality. For something so universal, why don’t we talk more about it? I’ve been surprised on more than one occasion by people who claimed the topic never once crossed their mind.
As someone who is no stranger to existential dread (a topic for a whole separate article) or death anxiety, I’d like to do my part in opening the conversation. I’ve spent my fair share of time scouring the internet learning how people rationalize their feelings in order to better understand my own. This article highlights what perspectives I’ve come across, which I hope will provide some food for thought, bring solace, or even be an invitation to engage in the discussion.
Why do we Fear Death?
Like any other animal, being scared of an imminent life-threatening danger is only natural. Thanks to our advanced cognition and intellect however, we are aware of death’s inevitability, even in the absence of any immediate harm, a term referred to as mortal salience. We want to continue living but we are also aware of our finitude, resulting in existential anxiety. Becker remarks about this unique experience in his book, The Denial of Death:
“To live a whole lifetime with the fate of death haunting one's dreams and even the most sun-filled days - that’s something else.” - Ernest Becker
This knowledge in the back of our brain doesn't exactly do any wonders on a day to day basis and can be crippling. Derived from Becker’s work in the 1970s and later developed by Tom Pyszczynski, Sheldon Solomon and Jeff Greenberg, terror management theory (TMT) argues that the way we protect ourselves from this is through an anxiety buffering system. You can read more about it in their book, The Worm at the Core: On the Role of Death in Life (2015).
Briefly, the strength of this system is dependent on our self-esteem in the context of our cultural worldview. In other words, what we find meaningful needs to be reinforced, whether that be family, religion, or art. The more we feel valued in these circles and the more we receive validation for the beliefs we hold, the better we manage existential terror. From my personal experience, I notice less death anxiety during periods of my life when I am busy, especially when actively working towards my goals and maintaining positive social engagements with others.
When our self-esteem or cultural worldview is threatened, our ability to handle this terror worsens. In my interview with Jeff Greenberg, he suggests this is largely the reason behind historical hostility as challenges to one’s worldview promote existential terror.
Them being right = us being wrong = our beliefs are meaningless = terror
If our brain can’t handle a view that conflicts with our own, then the most straightforward strategy is to attack it. While there is debate as to whether TMT is the central tenet behind all our behaviours, it can be argued that the need to manage death anxiety is at least a motivation.
The degree to which a person experiences death anxiety is influenced by culture, personality, worldview, and a variety of demographic factors. However, there are numerous studies demonstrating the effects of mortal salience in everything from driving and grip strength to legal cases and intergroup conflict. You can find some of them described in Chapter 5 of The Oxford Handbook of Human Motivation.
Strategies for Death Anxiety
Through my years of exploring existential terror, there seem to be a few common ways people outwardly rationalize death. I’ve listed the top 10 I’ve most frequently come across – which I acknowledge, is dependent on where I live, the type of people who share ther opinions online or in person, among other factors. However, I roughly categorized them into 4 groups:
Luck
Cosmos
Immortality
Acceptance
Luck
Rationales in this group stem from positive grounds. Rather than dread the end, they celebrate life.
1. Fortunate to Exist
The probability of you being born is so infinitesimally small, it’s practically zero. From life evolving on Earth to the long lineage of your ancestors stringing together the exact sperm and egg combination to create the person you are today, it’s hard not to be in awe. While there are many other events to take into account (see this article), the infographic below by visul.ly sums it up quite nicely.
To put it simply, life is a gift. From the warmth of the sun to love, just having the opportunity feel and experience is a richness we should rejoice in. As one Redditor put it:
If I think “oh god, I only have so long before I’m gone forever” I reply with “I’m happy I get to have one more day”. - Anonymous
2. Terror is a Luxury
Not everyone can afford to regularly think about and combat existential terror so be appreciative of your circumstances. When basic needs such as clean drinking water, shelter, and food aren’t met, it puts things into perspective of what we truly need to worry about.
Evident by Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, themes connected to TMT such as self-esteem and sense of connection are several tiers above physiological needs. Although I’m positive anyone can experience terror at any point, I’m willing to bet the more other needs are met, the more time you can dedicate to introspection on the matter.
Cosmos
By far, one of the most common arguments (especially number 3.), Cosmos takes almost the opposite approach of Luck. Rather than focus on the individual, they take a step back and consider the vastness of time and space. We know so little of what has happened and what will.
3. A Billion Years Ago...
Think of who you were a billion years ago. You can’t. You weren’t worried then, were you? This takes a very Epicurean view that while dying can be painful, death is not. Where there is death, there is no you. The time following our death is comparable to the time preceding our birth. When you are dead, there is no fear.
“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” - Mark Twain
4. The Big “ ”
Who's to say existence ends with our human experience of it. While unpopular and certainly not supported, some people speculate that the universe will stop expanding and collapse (the “Big Crunch”). Perhaps from that event, another Big Bang will happen again. Who’s to say it didn’t already (the “Big Bounce”)? While these models are not as widely accepted/lack evidence compared to the heat death of the universe, it’s an interesting thought experiment. With infinite time and iterations of the universe, maybe you have existed before. Related to this are ideas ranging from all time happening simultaneously and parallel universes. While some say this is false hope, others find comfort in the unknown and the speculative. Kurzesagt has a video which discusses one such idea.
Immortality
The thought of continuity in some plane of existence encompasses the majority and most straight forward of worldviews. Stephen Cave’s book, “Immortality: The Quest to Live Forever and How It Drives Civilization”, covers these archetypes in depth. A brief overview of each is included below.
5. Elixir
From the Epic of Gilgamesh to the Holy Grail, there are stories of countless individuals who seek something to achieve everlasting life. Today, that narrative has transformed into the longevity field with the aim to develop therapeutics which prolong and promote a healthy life. Whether for the individual or for all of humanity, the pursuit of more life here on Earth still maintains a strong desire for some.
6. Resurrection and Soul
Cave separates these into two distinct groups. However, both are linked by the idea that you will carry on through phenomena and powers beyond our capability. These tie strongly to religions such as Christianity and Islam with an afterlife or Hinduism and Buddhism which have samsara (cyclical reincarnation). The purpose is not necessarily to continue existing indefinitely. Rather these are inherently part of the nature of existence. Taken in its entirety, religion brings answers and community which are helpful in quenching fears of the meaning and finitude of life. Non-religious ideas such as mind uploading or The Big “ ” discussed earlier partially fall in this camp with some tangential lines of reasoning.
7. Legacy
While your body and consciousness have an eventual expiry date, the impact achieved through your lifetime of actions could in a sense immortalize you. You might decide to have children, become famous, or create great works of art, all of which have ripple effects many years into the future. Cave recommends viewing life like a book. Fear not what is outside of the covers, just make it a good story.
Acceptance
A rather extensive list but these views justify death or rationalize what to do with life. While Luck, Cosmos, and Immortality do have some overlap, strategies in Acceptance are more explicit, and register almost as an instinctual first gut reaction. While fairly easy to grasp, they ring no less true for many individuals.
8. Death is Comforting
Life is hard. From taxes to war, at some point you might have had enough. Death on the other hand could appeal to you as a dreamless sleep. People who have had a near-death experience sometimes report a dark calm nothingness to which they hoped to eventually return. This is not universal per se. Others report travelling freely or seeing a distant light. Alternatively, death may not exactly be comforting, but living indefinitely is a far worse fate. You might be stuck between a rock and a hard place but surely at some point, you’d rather die than drift alone aimlessly for eternity, right?
9. I Don’t Cope
This has a tone that is reminiscent of the line, “I don’t need therapy”. While therapy may not be right for everyone, it does not mean you should devoid yourself of any mental support or that you are right to live in ignorance. Similarly, purposely keeping busy for the sake of being busy to avoid introspection is likely also unhealthy.
What people who choose “not to cope” as a coping strategy likely mean is that they relinquish control. Death anxiety is normal but what good is worrying when no matter how little or how much you do, the result remains the same. If anything, death should not promote obsession but rather remind you to live a full and happy life. This can be summed up in the Stoic saying, "memento mori", which means “remember you must die”.
“Live when you live! Death loses its terror if one dies when one has consummated one's life! If one does not live in the right time, then one can never die at the right time.” - Irvin D. Yalom
The stoic philosopher Epictetus also introduced the Dichotomy of Control which goes something like this.
There are things we can and cannot control.
It is not things that bring us misery but rather how we think about them. Misery comes when we:
Try to control what we cannot
Do not take responsibility for what we control
How we respond to things is our choice. Focus on what you can change, embrace what you cannot.
10. Death Gives Life Meaning
An extension of the idea that death is natural, death also makes life worth living! Even if there is no destined grand meaning to it all, does death not at least propel us to do more or create our own purpose? Don’t all good stories need an ending? This is fiercely debated and up for your own interpretation but some common points of contention are:
Duality. Can you know hot without cold? Can you know happiness without misery? Is happiness and life meaningful in of itself?
Motivation. Death motivates us does it not? Why read this article? On the other hand, you probably chose to go to a party to enjoy it rather than because death will take that opportunity away. Do events only have meaning because they end?
Scarcity. Life is good but is more life always better? Do we get infinite happiness with eternal life or are there diminishing returns?
Alternative Views
These rationales are not as outwardly spoken about while others address existential crises more than existential terror. However, many link to ideas in the 4 major themes above.
Drugs
As a mind-altering substance, they may be to either deepen an understanding of yourself or to provide a temporary escape. Psychadelics are currently being explored for mental health.
Identity
The concept of “you” is forever changing. Your 5-year-old self no longer exists just as your current self will one day make way for another. In some sense, you have died. If you were to live 1000 or 1,000,000 years, would you be able to recognize yourself in the mirror?
I’m Young
This narrative goes one or two ways. 1. You recognize you are too young to handle the complexity of death anxiety but recognize that with time, you will have a better understanding. 2. You convince yourself you have nothing to be anxious about because you are young.
Existential Nihlism
Life is meaningless. If in the end we all die, nothing is valuable. What good are your experiences? For some, death as a certainty may be freeing. In the time you do have, just enjoy yourself. There are no obligations.
Existentialism
Life has no inherent meaning, but through your decisions, you create meaning. Shift the focus away from death and onto what you can achieve as a free agent.
M.Y. View
Of the rationales I listed, 1, 2, and 9 most strongly resonate with me on a personal level. I am appreciative of the quality and amount of life I have been given, but while I have no issue with death, I would still like to live for as long and as healthily as possible. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in 5, as I find the the field of anti-aging therapeutics truly fascinating. According to TMT, this is an explicit way for me to achieve some semblance of immortality, which directly combats any feelings of death anxiety.
I expect that with time my views will change as I continue to learn and grow but I find that hearing the perspectives of others and thinking through them is a reassuring exercise. While certainly a long article, I hope it provided new insights or even just peace of mind, knowing you’re not alone. If you find none of the strategies to be compatible with your own ideas, that’s okay! It’s your worldview. Everyone deserves to find comfort in their own way.
Author’s note: People are quick to defend their defense when asked (a bit meta I know). Be kind when discussing this subject as it is a fairly sensitive area for most.
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